It's been a month...a month since you told me that you are in love with someone else. And that you love her that much that's why you're considering leaving me.
The truth, which I've been trying to get from you for more than a month since I discovered you've been spending time with people without my knowledge, came to me like a bomb. I already had a feeling that you are liking someone else, but to be in love? Damn, you should've stabbed me with a knife right through my heart instead. Because that's how I felt. It was all too much. Too much I was bawling like a mad woman. Too much I wanted to die right there and then. Good thing we were just talking over the phone because had I seen your eyes telling me that, I could've killed myself.
What hurts the most is that you blame me for what happened. You told me you're still not over what I did 4 years ago. And that within that 2.5 years of being finally together, you still can't let go of what I did and move on. You said that had I not done it, you would've not resorted to liking someone else. With that, I seriously wanted to run to the streets and be ran over by a car.
You said you've been only with her for a few weeks. So why say you love her more than me? And how come I didn't feel like you were holding back in that 2.5 years we've been together? Yes, we have problems. We have a lot, but nothing that can't be fixed if we just take time to talk about it...and I mean really talk. I've always been open about everything since I got here, but you've been always silent, trying to keep things to yourself and not saying anything until we get into an argument. You'd say you're sorry, but only to shut me up. And so the same issue comes up again and again and again.
You said you need to clear your mind and that you asked until the end of the month. You said you are confused and that you need time to think. Now, it's been a month after that day and we're nowhere near being okay.
Despite it being so unfair because this reaction of yours should've come earlier, I decided to give you what you need: a time to heal and clear your mind. But obviously, you are still with her and it's crystal clear that you just wanted me out of your way. Why can't you just be honest? Are you scared that you would hurt me? You already did and you are still hurting me, so why hold back with the truth? Your lies hurt me more. You left me because I cheated on you and so you decided to choose another cheater who's also married with two kids? Why!? You are turning to somebody whom you hated. And you are being worse, destroying two marriages, just because you are still hurt of what I did?
I wish I could you hate you so much. I wish I could forget you and brush you off my life so easily just like what you're doing to me now. I wish I can stop myself from feeling guilty of what I did in the past. I wish I can bring back time and not do that mistake. I wish I can just die right now so this terrible pain would end. I wish that I would stop hurting. I wish I could stop loving you.
Sobrang sakit, Mahal. Ang sakit-sakit. Those words telling me you love her more kept on haunting me. Para siyang echo sa utak ko na paulit-ulit. Nakakabaliw. We were together during the holidays pero parang ako pa ang sabit sa relasyon nyo, trying to hold back myself from hugging and kissing you. You said you don't want to be intimate with me anymore because it's just going to be unfair with me. Unfair with me because you don't love me anymore and that you are in love with someone else. Pero minsan you would say you are trying to keep distance from me and also from her so you would be able to clear your mind. But then again, kayo pa din until now and that no matter how many times you deny it, yun ang totoo. You just wanted me out, to be with her.
Why do you need to give up on us? We've been thru a lot, and I know we can still go through this. But you said it's a sign from the Lord that you need to move on. That there have been a lot of signs from Him that we are better off apart. But how come He would always bring us back together?
I was going thru your old messages, our photos and some videos together. I made you smile, made you laugh and surely I made you feel loved (though when I asked you if you feel that I have loved you all these years you just said, "sa akin na lang yon..") so why do this? I know I made a mistake...and I was and I am still sorry about it but I thought we are moving on together. I wished you have told me earlier about it, maybe I could've done things differently. Maybe I could've helped you deal with the fact that you are starting to like someone else. Everything happened so fast. After I learned about these people you are hanging out with last November, you were so sorry about it. Nilalambing mo pa ako and ramdam kong sorry ka and that you love me. But 3 weeks after and there you were, saying you are letting go of me.
I told you I would fight for you because I love you. But what you told me after made me wish I died instead... "Wag mo na ako ipaglaban, sha na ang mahal ko. Wala ka ng ipaglalaban, just let me go..." Ganun ka na na kagalit sakin para saktan ako ng saktan ng ganito? Or you are just telling the truth. Totoo ba yun Mahal? 22 years and you just want to end it like that? Ganun ba ako kadali itapon?
I miss you. I really, really miss you. Every day I try so hard to be okay, to face the world with a straight face but oftentimes, I would fail. I'll be like in a middle of something and then I get flashes of memories of us and so I'll end up being tulala na lang. Worse, I cry. I was at the gym doing Zumba the other day and then I remembered you and I just stopped, and started crying. Ridiculous di ba, pero that's the truth. I miss you so much I've been wanting to go home to Dubai to see you, hug you so tight and tell you that I will do everything maging maayos lang tayo. Pero takot ako makita siyang kasama mo, dahil alam ko she stays with you most of the time. Takot ako dahil baka mamatay ako when I confirmed it's true. And also, I already told you that I will do everything and will try harder just for this to work out even for one last time. I cried, I begged, I got down on my knees...but still, you asked me to let go of you instead. You told me you had enough, and that you haven't moved on and that you are still hurt. Tangina, why blame it all on me? Why can't you just admit that you cheated this time because it was your choice. Why can't you stop saying that it was because I hurt you? You've hurt me too a lot of times in the past remember? But I moved on. Kahit nga may remembrance ka pa sa pagkakamali mo. I accepted it, kasi mahal kita. I am not saying you forget what I did. But since you told me you love me, why not choose to forgive me everyday? Why give up now? Why not earlier? Why?
I wish this hurt would end now. I'd rather die than feel this pain every single day.
There's one thing I've been wanting to ask you: Are you happy now? But I can't bring myself to doing it, because I might not be able to take it if you say Yes.
