I thought my saddest Christmas was last 2013 when I celebrated it here in the UAE and away from home, from my family. Actually, I shouldn't be that all sad because I was with my husband. And that alone should be enough. Besides, I think it was our first Christmas together after we got married 6 years ago.
But anyway, that's when I thought my Christmas is the saddest. But I was wrong. Christmas this year is the saddest.
You want to know why? It's because the guy I have loved for more than 22 years and have been married with for more than 6 years decided to let go and take his chance of being happier with someone else. Our relationship is far from being perfect, yes..and I do understand that he's probably tired of everything that has happened in the past. But when he asked me to join him here abroad, I thought we'll be in this together. I thought he will fight for us, I thought he will be stronger for us. I didn't expect that he'll use the past instead to justify what he's doing right now. And I didn't expect that he'll give up on us just like that.
"I love her more than I love you..." These words keep on echoing in my mind since the day he said it right to my face. And since then, I've been trying so hard to keep a straight face and pretend that I am okay...but obviously, I am failing big time. I mean it's not everyday that you get to lose someone you've been loving for more than half of your life, right? It's not at all usual that despite everything you've been thru together, and the promises you made for each other, he'll just decide to drop everything that has got to do with you and be with someone else. So please bear with me if I've been falling apart these days. I don't intend to...but I can't help it.
Last Christmas Eve, we spent it with friends and they themselves got to notice that there is something wrong. They knew it's not our usual petty fight...they saw right with their own eyes how cold his treatment was with me. He's always on his phone, probably texting her and reassuring her that she's now the one he wants to be with. And that he's just finding the right time to let everybody know about it.
Christmas Day was not any different. We went to hear mass and then he said he needs to go somewhere. He did ask me to go with him but I just couldn't go as my eyes were all swollen again..and that I was again having a hard time breathing. We were on our way to mass when I just started crying...asking myself why it has to be that way. I couldn't stop and he did panic for a bit because I wasn't saying anything...I just kept on crying and sobbing and choking.
When we arrived home, I heard him talking to his Mom about me ranting on Facebook. He said I usually end up doing that whenever we have problems and it's not true so I had to butt in. I told him yeah I ranted on Facebook lately and maybe some people get to notice that there's indeed something wrong but what about him going out with his girl in public? And how about him bringing his girl to our flat whenever I'm away for work. Those are much worse, right? He sees I am hurt, but he doesn't care. He keeps on saying it's too late for us.
It hurts that he admitted he's in love with someone else...but what hurts the most is that I can not do anything about it anymore. I know as long as you love someone, you must fight for him/her. But what if you're the only one fighting? I miss him so much. I've been staying with him for the holidays but despite sleeping on one bed, I can no longer feel his warmth. He sometimes hug me, maybe because he knows he at least owes me that and just so I would stop from crying but I can no longer feel the love. I want to kiss him, hug him, make love to him but I know I'll just end up getting hurt more because he will reject me. I once told him he's being cold to me and to which he just said it's because he's trying to keep his distance from me. And that because it's not gonna be fair with me. I couldn't understand why...maybe because if he makes love to me, I'd think he still loves me when in fact he's not? Or maybe he promised his new girl that he won't go breaking her heart by sleeping with me. Me...who technically until now, is his wife.
A few days to go and we'll be saying goodbye to 2015. I keep on praying that things will change before the new year ends, but as that day approaches, my hope just continue to die down. Nothing's changed...I just feel he's getting more and more distant. I have a few more days to go and if he won't change his mind, then I guess it really is over. I wish he would...I pray to God that he would.
